I don’t know if I’ll be doing any more of these, but I was in this weird place and couldn’t think of any other way to get it out. So I did a journal entry in the stream of consciousness style. This is what was the end result.
And no, I’m not going to explain it. Or apologize for it. Sometimes what goes on through my head isn’t pretty. Go read someone else’s blog if you’re looking for pretty.
Cold, hard rage.
Smashing shit, smashing your shit.
Make me bleed….
I need to feel the pain,
The sweet fucking release.
Why isn’t anyone listening??
Fuck fuck fuck.
In other news, I now feel better. Still spun up, don’t know if I can sleep, but I feel better. Which brings me to my next point: do whatever is therapeutic for you. Those of us with PTSD can’t always control the way we feel, but we can work through it. Sometimes that means doing something, writing something, or saying something that others either can’t, or don’t want to deal with. Fuck them. The goal is to release, not make everyone else feel all happy and fluffy. Sometimes, you feel like what I just wrote above. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that. I think it becomes a problem when you ignore it, not when you recognize it and find a way to release it. That is all.
I also should probably state that the way stream of consciousness entries work is that you write everything that pops in your head. You don’t question it. You don’t edit it. You don’t stop. Anything that comes into your head, you write it down. Sometimes you have a time goal, and you just write something like “I don’t know what to write” until your mind pushes something to the front. Other times, like the way I did it, is you just keep writing until your mind stops pushing things forward and there are no more words, just silence. Have fun, and be well.
I’m sure I’ll hear back some interesting things if anyone has the balls to say anything.