Days like today, I feel like my profile picture on Facebook, fits me a little too well.
Behind the paper smile, am I smiling? Or is the paper smile up for everyone to see, because I’m not, and I can’t find it in me to force a smile any other way? Days like today, it’s the latter. Days like today, that paper smile is the best I can do. I’m not the world’s greatest actress, so I rely on the prop. Something you’re not supposed to do- rely on the prop, but it’s all I have. In real life, I have my version of the paper smile, and I plaster it across my face when I need to.
Right now I have no shame in admitting that I’m sitting on my bathroom floor with the door closed while typing this. I have cakes cooling in my kitchen that I have to go decorate soon for a reception for two friends who just got married last weekend, and I still have to get dressed, but I can’t find the energy to care right now. I look in the mirror and I see… I see me. I see a woman who’s hair looks pretty today (for once); a woman with uneven skin tone, tired eyes, and the formation of wrinkles on her brow. I see someone who is overweight, and who has scars and stretch marks in places that make her uncomfortable in anything that shows a lot of skin between the chest and her knees. A woman who has been struggling with insomnia again so has been too tired to tweeze her eyebrows or even get her hair trimmed. A woman who has been sick for so long, she has stopped caring if she gets better.
I want to be someone else. Just for a day. I want to have someone else’s problems and their joys. I don’t want to be me right now. I’m normally fairly content with being myself, but not right now. I desperately wish someone would trade places with me, but no one ever wants to. There are, unfortunately, no vacations from yourself. You can’t divorce yourself, leave yourself, or get a new self. You just are. I don’t want to be. I know I’ve talked to others about this, about these times, and I do ask myself the same questions I tell you to ask yourself: Have I done everything I set out to do? Have I fulfilled my purpose? The problem is, while there are things I’d still like to do, their importance to me is getting buried under this desire of fading away. I do feel like I have done my purpose, and while I could do more, the question for me becomes, am I necessary anymore? I don’t think I am. I think there enough people in this world who have the same intentions as I do, that my presence here is no longer necessary. My thoughts keep returning to two memories and sensations… the first is of the peace and serenity I felt under the water in the ocean. It was so quiet and peaceful. The second is that feeling of release when I stepped off the cliff. That feeling of freedom.
I’m not suicidal. I’m not planning my death, and I’m not saying goodbye. I’m saying what I want, what I miss. This body and I- this existence and I- have had a love/hate relationship for a very long time. I guess I’m just tired. I feel like I’m stuck. If I could do anything in the world right now, it would be to just get away. I’d like to go back to where I walked into the ocean and stepped off the cliff, and just stay for a while. Remind myself why those things were not to be. Rediscover my passion for life by reliving the memories tied to that place that are so strong they permeate through everything I am and do, even now. I’d want my best friend Bonnie to be there with me, because out of everyone I’ve loved, she’s the only one who refused to leave me when I shoved. That bond is incredible special to me, and days like today I want to be in her presence more than anything.
Waiting for the Rain
October 28, 2007
Flames licking every nerve
Engulfing my mind in pain
This is only what I deserve
As I wait here for the rain.