Today started off poorly, I think due to a lack of sleep. Thought about calling in to work, which is something I just about never do. Only done it once, actually. I just didn’t want to be around people today, plus I was having a hard time smiling. Smiling is actually mandatory for my workplace. I ended up going in, which was a good thing. Schedule was completely messed up due to two people calling in today. Yuck. Oh I didn’t want to be there though! I was so angry, so pissed off that I had to be there. In my eyes, every customer was an idiot, an annoyance. The ones that wanted a price check annoyed me because the price check machine was literally 6 feet away with a huge blue sign indicating its existence, but no. They had to come bother me. The man who wanted to make a payment irked me, because I felt he gave me attitude when I told him I could help him on the other register. The customers who made me have to work annoyed me, because I didn’t want to be there. And smiling? That didn’t happen.
Then, a miracle happened. At some point around 7pm, I smiled. At a customer. And it was genuine. From that point on, my day brightened and the customers didn’t bother me. I was able to chat and laugh, and it felt good. Got off work, came home, still feeling good. Saw a letter/card for me from a friend in Illinois, so am now feeling amazing! Then I got online. I should have logged off when I originally thought of it, but I didn’t.
I love my friends, but there are times I really can’t handle talking to them about certain things. One friend in particular seems to struggle with depression and self-loathing. Normally, I’m very supportive and would want to help him in any way I could. Not tonight. Tonight every statement he made caused me to revolt. It was just instinct, and I fought vehemently against what he said. I found the thoughts he spewed to be repulsive, but in particular the one about pain being a sign of weakness. I suppose because for many a year, I felt the same way about it. However, tonight I felt like every thing I’d strived for, my being, was at stake if I just accepted his thoughts and didn’t say anything. So I fought.
I know this is common thinking, the majority of us live by a double standard where other people can have pain, but we can’t. Why though? Why do we associate pain with weakness? Pain is an inevitable part of life. I don’t care who you are, at some point you WILL be hurt. It’s not weakness. It’s not. Pain can make you stronger, more compassionate, more alive. How is that weakness? I think you’ll find that it’s not. Stop giving in to societal archetypes. Accept the pain for what it is, and learn to move on.